The following stories are part of the special April Fools edition of the Beacon newspaper. Beacon staff members, along with our friends at the Bacon, put together a special issue of the Beacon newspaper titled, “The Sea Kitten.” Wondering where the name came from? This February, the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) contacted PBA, suggesting the university ditch its mascot “Sailfish Jack” for a friendlier made up animal, a “Sea Kitten.” Dr. Clark made it clear to students that week that the university has no intention of changing its mascot. Check out the Beacon article here or the Palm Beach Post’s article here.
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Animal Fight Club at Campus /By: Twitter Thug
Palm Beach Atlantic University has unveiled a fight club operating in the underworld community of students. However, this is no ordinary fight club with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton; this fight club consists of doped-up lab rats, thuggish campus lizards and lightsaber-fighting squirrels.
Supposedly, the lab rats and squirrels are escaped experimental party specimens. They are very prone to rambunctious behavior when hearing any form of techno music; the music ignites the ecstasy and foxy roxy coursing through their tiny veins.
On the other hand, the thuggish campus lizards are said to be genetically-enhanced hybrid curly-tail iguana lizards that we see scurrying around campus. It is said by an anonymous pharmacy student that they know of a student, who is experimenting on the lizards with a new form of steroid.
Perhaps the most disturbing issue is the report of the losing fighter is viciously disposed of in the mantra of Michael Vick. The remains are sold to the chain of Road-Kill Cafes that are opening everywhere. In fact, there is a proposal with the city to open a RKC, where Samaritan Gardens is located.
It is already enough that PBA sponsors Roach Races. Now we have “Pinky and the Brain” to root for.
London Olympics fever is starting up on PBA’s campus / By: The Bacon
The London Olympics may be three years away, but an outbreak of Olympic fever has infected most of PBA’s student body.
Chris Onemountain, a sophomore, is attempting to qualify for the London swimming competitions.
He has been copying many of the habits of fourteen-time gold medalist Michael Phelps. Onemountain has been eating 15,000 calories a day (equivalent to four cheeseburgers from Common Ground).
He spent his Spring Break partying in South Carolina, which has raised the eyebrows of Student Accountability director Derek Powdersilk.
One freshman, Melissa Barclay, has been practicing pole vaulting over the Baxter wall daily. Four thousand PBA students have signed a petition to add Ultimate Frisbee to the Summer Olympic roster. Aristotle Popodopoulos, an international student from Greece, has been attempting to bring back the spirit of the ancient Olympics.
“Yes, it’s three years away, but at least the Greene Complex is not empty on the weekends,” said Sam Willshade.
Where is my money going? / By: Fitzi Migueroa
Palm Beach Atlantic University treasury secretary pleaded with trustees for more oversight and regulatory administrative arms this afternoon in a joint committee meeting over the cool $1.65 million dollar bonuses given to Student Activities executives.
Student protesters were on hand outside the Weyenberg center as the meeting took place in the commuter lab.
“It’s the selfish executive’s fault that we are in this financial mess,” said sophomore Eric Payne, who recently ran out of flex dollars and was forced to borrow a meal swipe from a house mate.
Despite reports that five of the seven Student Activities executives who received the most of the bonuses have given back the money, students are still reeling at the contractual financial incentive that was given during a time.
Student Government president junior Adam Rackinney expressed disappointment over the bonuses in a recent Beacon student newspaper press conference calling the action, “irresponsible and detrimental to PBA core values.”
In an effort to curb the funds, Student Government House committee recently proposed a measure that would raise tuition for the top paid Student Activities executives by 90 percent.
“It worries me to think that Student Government would pass a measure on a whim,” said senior Bethany Wilson. “I don’t agree in passing measures that are counter-active. Raising tuition to get back the money is unconstitutional.”
President Rackinney is also hesitant to the measure and warns trustees, “not to govern out of anger.”
Student Activities executives have put all school related events on hold until the controversy rolls over.
Top Student Activities director Beil Nest, has been taking phone calls from angry students all week. Nest did not return our phone calls for comment.
Meanwhile, the controversy is making students think twice about Rackinney’s new proposed stimulus package.
Trend de la Creme / By: Marissa Barkeniocelli
I’d like to consider myself a plethora of beauty advice, a scholarly expert when it comes to West Palm Beach style.
Not everyone has been blessed with a keen eye for trends like me, so I’ll share for the 60 percent female campus population’s insatiable appetite for beauty tips.
-Be sure to lug around the ugliest creature possible. Ever wonder why Paris Hilton is so beautiful? It’s her little accessory chihuahua. I prefer to carry an albino mole rat in my purse, everyone just gawks at my glamour and finesse.
-When it comes to make-up, cake it on. Once you go overboard, it’s the first thing people notice! Shade your lids like a four-year old would to a coloring book. Beautiful. Everyone will be distracted by your cosmetic statement.
-If your shoes weren’t created by an architect, you should re-think the size of the heel. Architectural shoes that may reach heights of 7” are the norm.
– When it comes to styling my hair, the more chemical product, the better! If you can’t pronounce the ingredients on the bottle, that’s great!
-The lady with the biggest sunglasses wins. Paired with your big hair, you should resemble a cross between a fly and a sheep to pull off this look! Smashing. Even better, why not invest in a giant Uni-glass? I myself, like to wear a welding mask when I go out, so when I walk by those bug-eyed lollipop heads, they know who’s got the better sun shield.
-Fake it. Be as tan as possible. My secret? I like to keep a burnt pumpkin next to my mirror for a daily comparison assuring I’ve got the most envied completion!
– When it comes to handbags, it’s either a clutch or massive tote. Mary Poppins had it right!
– Be sure that when you’re shopping for clothes go down a size or two or four. I recommend the Baby Gap. Jeans that can be mistaken as drainpipes may cause circulation loss in your feet, but since when has fashion been about comfort?
-Being late is fashionable and gets you noticed. Nothing is more fashionably pardoned than clutching a cup of Jazzman’s coffee, so the professor knows you were doing something important and erases that late.
Phoenix ditches rapping joins PBA family / By: Satie Kchnack
The presidential search is over, and Palm Beach Atlantic has selected a new president to take over when Dr. David W. Clark retires this spring.
After a rigorous process of interviewing and panel meetings, renowned actor turned rapper turned alien Joaquin Phoenix has been selected for the elite position.
When asked to comment on the exciting news, Phoenix gave this riveting and inspiring speech: “………..um…what is PBA? I don’t know,” Phoenix said.
Phoenix expressed his excitement about serving in this honorable position through interpretive dance and a brief seizure.
Changes to the university From a list drawn on toilet paper, Phoenix outlined the specific changes he feels will better the atmosphere and learning style of Palm Beach Atlantic University.
First, Phoenix will implement a mandatory beard growth for all males over the age of 18. All beards will be required to be at least four inches long and have a minimum of 5 different species of bugs living in them at all time.
Second, Phoenix will replace all cafeteria food with only staple items such as Red Bull, Pop Rocks candy, and week old cold vegan pizza that will be served off of the Fraiser Dining Hall floor.
Sunglasses will be required to be worn at all hours of the day and night.
All acting classes will be cancelled and replaced by “hip-hop” rapping classes.
A new unified studies will be implemented entitled “The Art of Living like a Crazy Lunatic.”
The mascot will be changed from the Jack the sailfish, to Twinkles, Phoenix’s childhood cat.
The Warren Library will be turned into a cave and filled with bats.
And finally, all Chapel requirements will be replaced with mandatory weekly attendance of hip hop concerts preformed by the new president himself.
“mmmrhhehhr…hhrhreh hip hop,” Phoenix said about the upcoming changes.
PBA spokeswoman Becky Feeling said that while several candidates were being considered for the position, Phoenix stood out as the best selection right away.
“The second he walked in for the first interview and his body odor scent filled up the board room we all knew he was the one,” Feeling said. “Phoneix promises to bring about radical but enthralling changes to PBA’s campus.”
Student perspective Sophomore Kent Stephens could not be happier about the decision.
“I look up to Joaquin Phoenix and always have. Having him as the leader of our school has made all my dreams come true,” Stephens said. “I have already stopped showering and growing out my beard, as well as experimenting with several different substances in order to expand my way of thinking about my ‘art,’ which used to be theater, and is now…Hip Hop.”
However some students are not as excited.
Senior Sarah Filler expressed her concern.
“I first met Mr. Phoenix at the welcome ceremony that was thrown for him in Weyenberg. He mumbled something about rap and Doritos. I am scared for my life,” Filler said.
Inauguration ceremony Phoenix has already started planning his inauguration ceremony. It is expected that such hip-hop artists as 50 Cent and Chris Brown will perform, as well as a three hour set put on by Phoenix himself.
The event will take place at the Greene Complex on May 5, 2009.
PBA goes to space to recruit new freshmen / By Wristina Kebb
A new recruitment strategy has the projected enrollment at Palm Beach Atlantic University for the upcoming fall semester up by 24 percent: interplanetary admissions.
After recently reading a 1989 article from the New York Times on the City University of New York admitting illegal aliens as students, PBA decided to take advantage of the recent shuttle launch by sending a recruitment officer along with the NASA mission.
“There are thousands of potential students out there in the cosmos,” said Allie Enn, Director of Recruitment at PBA. “We sent our best team member, Joseph Ripley, to talk with prospective students about the benefits of attending this school.”
Ripley, who could not be reached for comment because he is orbiting Earth in the International Space Station, has already referred 150 students. Of these, 147 have already enrolled for the fall semester, and three are planning on touring the campus this week.
“I was thrilled to be contacted by Mr. Ripley,” said one interested interstellar candidate, whose name cannot be expressed with alphanumeric characters. “Then when I heard that they were adding a degree in interplanetary business, I was hooked. Plus, I can walk to the beach every day.”
“I think it’s wonderful that we have already received this kind of response from the young … creatures who have been contacted by [Ripley],” Enn said. “It is exciting to share both our campus and our religion with the rest of the universe.”
Ripley’s mission will last for an indefinite period of time, according to NASA scientists who coordinated his departure. After dwelling for two weeks on the International Space Station, Ripley will board a small vessel and be taken to distant galaxies to further recruitment efforts.
“This kind of thing has never been done before,” said NASA spokeswoman Dr. Andrea Max. “We’ve never allowed college recruiters into space before, and no one has ever traveled outside of our galaxy. As a representative of Earth, Mr. Ripley was a fine choice. I just wouldn’t expect him back any time soon.”
Before his departure, Ripley told the Beacon that he is “extremely honored to take part in such a mission. This is one step for PBA, and one giant leap for college recruitment.”
“It is thrilling to have a recruitment officer like Ripley who will go to any lengths to offer students the chance to attend PBA,” said Dr. Larry Pearl, assistant to the vice president in charge of directing the Student Development office.
“This is such a huge step in making PBA a nationally recognized school,” said Student Government president Adrian Matthews. “We should do everything possible to welcome these new students with open arms and open minds.”
A ceremony to make the new students “feel welcome and accepted by all PBA students,” said Jamie Teast, director of Student Activities, is being planned for the first week of the fall semester. More details will be released as they become available.
“Students should be prepared that when they return for classes in the fall, they will not be alone,” Enn said.
Facebook and Twitter Anonymous / By: Bose Josetisa
“Three years… three years, and she leaves me over this?”
Those words, spoken by newly single Mike Smith, epitomize the feeling of confusion those in special “Facebook & Twitter Addicts Anonymous”, or FTAA, currently feel.
“My girlfriend broke up with me over my supposed addiction to Facebook. She signed me up for this and told me if I proved that I would change, she’d take me back” Smith said.
Lately, the wave of members of these websites has skyrocketed, with 97 percent of Palm Beach Atlantic University students currently members of either Facebook or Twitter social networking Web sites.
FTAA has been running since last October, vowing to help all students. Founder Walt Jordan, a professor atWake Forest University, said it was time for someone to reach the youth of today in regards to their recreational activity.
Jordan said that it is a voluntary program; they do not recruit students but instead recommend and suggest for students to join to help them regain control of their priorities. There are group meetings and even one-on-one counseling for those whose cases are too severe.
“Thanks to Mr. Jordan and his program, I only check my account about twice a day, instead of sitting in front of my computer, missing out on everything,” said Jessica Rodriguez.
If you or anyone you know has an addiction , feel free to call the toll free FTAA number: 1-800-YOU-FTAA